Hand Jobs should be banned!!


Hand jobs in theory should be fantastic, your penis feels amazing when you wank yourself, to all intense and purposes a beautiful lady that has given you a rock hard erection should make it feel out of this world!! However in all my time being sexually active I can honestly say I have never had a good hand job, women have tried and women have failed. This is not something that should be attempted lightly!!! I would even argue from a health and safety standpoint that it should not be attempted without a qualification as potentially irreparable damage can be done.

Yes!!! the skin at the top of a dick is attached and no it doesn’t stretch all the way to the bottom when pulled down! This is just mistake number one but lets start from the beginning. You find yourself in bed with a beautiful lady and for many different reasons all of which have good intentions behind them your partner reaches down and grabs your fully erect penis with the aim of stimulating you to the point of orgasm. Generally speaking (as most of this article is, i’m just drawing from my own experience so I am not looking to offend anyone who has taken the time to learn the intricacies of a good hand job. Shout out to those ladies!) you have 4 types of hand jobs, there are other more exotic positions where they do occur but the scenarios where they predominantly occur are in the following 4 positions. Type 1 and 2 happen when your partner is lying next to you or on top of you and they reach down with either an underhand grip or an overhand grip on your penis. Type 3 is taking the hand job in a standing position whilst your partner is kneeling down in front of you and lastly type 4 which is probably the most preferable is where you are lying on your back and your partner is in between your legs giving you a hand job in a lying down or kneeling position.

So type 1 …. we’re in an underhand position, so the shaft of the penis is going in at the thumb side of her hand with the head coming out near her little finger. She is currently reaching down with a straight arm with the penis in her hand the opposite way round to her elbow joint which then causes her to produce an awkward half rotation with her shoulder half flex with her elbow. To compensate for this peculiar motion most women feel the need to either maximise the grip they have on the penis or reduce the grip and slide the skin down to its elastic limit whilst dragging their dry unlubed palm across the most sensitive areas of the penis. To a mans penis either of these options depending on penis sensitivity of sed man is more than likely DEEPLY UNPLEASANT.

Generally when your partner realises that her arm does not move efficiently in this way and she is at risk of ripping your penis off completely she will resort to type 2 …. we’re now in the overhand position with the shaft of the penis entering near the little finger and the head coming out at the thumb end. She is still currently reaching down with a straight arm but now at least the penis grip is in the same direction as her elbow joint. She begins to move her hand up and down in a caring gentle motion rapidly coming to the realisation that her wrist joint is actually not that flexible! So again she begin to compensate by either squeezing the life out of your penis whilst wanking you off at a peculiar angle or relaxing her grip and only really making contact with one side of your penis giving you the sensation that one side of your dick is going to have serious bruising when she has finished. This type of hand job is marginally more bearable than the type 1 but is still very unpleasant and is still no more effective at proceeding closer to ejaculation. Your mind has forgotten completely about how hot she is and is now completely focused on damage limitation.

Type 3 and type 4 are always a doozy! You’re stood there and your partner gets down on her knees or in the case of type 4 shimmies down the bed to penis level. For a guy this moment is cause for an internal mind celebration, the party poppers are going off, music is playing, everyone is having a good time! She is about to give you a blow job … This situation can go a couple of ways, she could just give you a blowjob in which case put a ring on that finger and marry her quickly! she is a keeper. The more common option is intermittent blow job/hand job, this is still a very very good option (to all those women out their who enjoy oral sex or do it just because you want to please your man, God bless you!!). The hand job element in this scenario never really has enough time to go horribly wrong and even if you experience any discomfort during this time, its not going to be long until the incredible feeling of her warm wet mouth engulfs your penis. The last scenario (The doozy) is when after all the mind celebrations she looks up at you looking sexy as hell whilst your body aches to be inside of her and grabs hold of your erect penis with her hand. And she always smiles too which makes you feel even worse because you know she means well but she just doesn’t understand how shit it is! She proceeds to massage your penis in a forward and backwards motion, this time with all her limbs lined up correctly so in theory it should feel amazing. No it does not… all the contact points with her hand are putting pressure on all the wrong places. Then if the skin isn’t wrenched to the bottom and your banjo isn’t in need of some serious plasters or she hasn’t throttled the life out of your dick, there is still a whole host of things that never go right. The head of the penis is sensitive it’s used to the soft walls of a vigina! do not grab it with dry hands and start going at it like you’re trying to unblock a sink with a plunger! and noooo twisting has no benefit it just changes all the pressure points at a more frequent rate causing more anxiety as to when your penis is going to break. There are also more ways to stimulate a penis than just wanking! Mix it up a bit, you’ve started down this road! You may as well put some effort it and do it properly with a full penis massage!

Whilst writing this I am well aware that men probably don’t get clitoral stimulation right every time, however my feelings are communication is key! This is me COMMUNICATING!! Please stay away from my penis with your hands!! I, like I imagine most men, would be happy to talk women through it, in a nice controlled environment with the commitment of wanting to learn how to give a good hand job!! Never in the case of trying to make me orgasm quicker, this inevitably ends up with me stifling severe pain whilst trying to power through to the end myself watching the disappointed look on her face as she questions wether or not I am sexually attracted to her. If you are a female reading this and you have been in this situation please know we are sexually attracted to you and you probably have many other qualities that we are attracted too however hand jobs is not one of them!!!

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